fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
