i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
