I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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