I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This baby is an asshole
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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