I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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