I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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