even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
