I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
