I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
