Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
