he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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