I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What a dumb baby whore.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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