So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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