I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
