Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
