he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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