If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
