honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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