Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
