Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I DEMAND FORESKIN
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
