Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
