fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
