Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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