Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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