how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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