she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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