Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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