She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
