Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Soap is not a condiment
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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