I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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