mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
