just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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