I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
