my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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