Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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