the condom got lost in my hair
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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