Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
