Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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