he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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