we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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