Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
