Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
