i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
