Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
