Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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