Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She bit a glass in half.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
