worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
