this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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