I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
