I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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