Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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