when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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