take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
this hospital has no fireball
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
